An Ode to Heartbreak

[Originally published here at on December 9, 2015]

I just want to make something abundantly clear, because I had to learn this lesson the hard way and perhaps there are some of you out there who could benefit from this.

No matter how big or small you are, blonde hair or brunette, GDI or otherwise, you will get your heart broken. Not even just broken; it will be smashed, torn, crumpled, chewed up, and spit out.

I didn’t hit 100 pounds until my freshman year of college. You know what happened to me that year? My high school boyfriend moved me into college one day, cheated on me the next, and then broke up with me with no explanation the following day. I was 98 pounds with short blonde hair and perfectly straight teeth.

I got acclimated to the party scene more quickly than I’d like to admit. For someone who didn’t drink in high school, I was practically a professional by the middle of my first semester. Lots of parties meant lots of socializing and lots of drunk flirting with boys I didn’t know … yet.

I’d drink with them. I’d dance with them. I’d even take some of them home with me. But you know what? It turns out boys will sleep with girls almost with no regard for what they look like. And they’ll break your heart 10 ways to Sunday as long as their needs are met that night.

Then I met a boy I started to see on a regular basis. We never went on dates, but he insisted that I was the only girl he was sleeping with and that was enough for me at the time because I was under the impression that we were working towards something. That was blown to smithereens the night his supposed “ex”-girlfriend burst through the door of his bedroom. The next day, he told me he could never see us being together and that my feelings for him were irrational.

I’m now in my senior year of college. This time next year, I will (hopefully) have a full-time job in my career. I have long, brown hair, tan skin, and have recently lost 10 pounds, which makes this the first time I’ve been less than 125 pounds since sophomore year—a huge feat for me. Did it make me invincible to heartbreak? Absolutely not.

I met a boy at a party a few weeks ago and we couldn’t be more alike. The connection was instantaneous—a phenomenon I’m not accustomed to. After approximately three weeks of “talking” and a drunken fight about labels outside of my apartment, his last words were “If I stay, I’ll just keep hurting you.”

Heartbreak after heartbreak can take its toll on a person. I’ve changed and I’ll keep changing. I won’t always be completely in shape and my hair won’t always be long and my taste in boys undoubtedly won’t always be shitty.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learned through the pain, it’s that someday it’ll all be worth it. Someday, I’ll have all the people who have let me down and let me go to thank for pushing me in the right direction even when I adamantly denied that it was right for me.

I will never be perfect, but someone else not loving me was the start of my loving myself. Being hurt by people who, in the end, don’t deserve me has opened my eyes to what I should be looking for in someone else. If they can’t see my value, I can’t see a future with them.

My heart will break again, that’s guaranteed. But if I’m following the lessons taught to me by the trials I’ve gone through with countless boys, my future heartbreaks will be over bad job interviews and good books.


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